One Response to “Holy War, The Game”

1. Christopher says:
   

   Transcript for “Holy War” aka “Holy Holy Hippos”:

   1) Ben: 1, 2, 3 - takes my mullahs into Galilee. I’m going to put some settlers down.
   Poet: Hold on, I have a village there — it’s already my intractable desert holyland.
   2) Ben: Whatever. You only got Canaan because you’re allied with the great satan. I’m moving my virtue and vice police into the area.
   Poet: Then I’m declaring a fatwah. Let’s see your cards.
   3) Ben: Ha! My school of jurisprudence out-oppresses your’s!
   Poet: What are you doing with the Christ card? We haven’t revealed the true messiah yet!
   4) Ben: If you’re calling my savior a false prophet you’d better have the canons to back it up!
   Poet: One two three four I declare a holy war!
   5) clack clack clack clack clack
   6) Ben: I call ethnic cleansing!
   Poet: You can’t call ethnic cleansing. You haven’t been persecuted yet.
   7) Ben: It doesn’t matter! I have celebrity endorsement!
   Poet: WHAT??? That’s not a rule, you big liar!
   8.) Ben: I’ve had enough of your crap. I’m dumping all my jihadists on Jerusalem. How about that?
   Poet: AAAAAAARRRGH!!!
   9) Ben: Call me a liar will you??
   Poet: More like a cheat!
   10) Ben: Right here! “Ethnic cleansing may be called one turn after persecution, or anytime with endorsement of a Hollywood movie star.”
   Poet: Oh.
   11) Poet: People will fight over anything!
   Ben: Dude, your dogma totally sucks! Why don’t you demonstrate apostasy and give yourself a chance for a schism?

   Notes:
   This is the type of script that takes a lot of rewrites, and can only be crafted successfully over the course of several days. One needs to sleep on it a few times to be able to pack so many ideas in. A little light reading on holy wars, however, helped add inspiration into the mix. Throw in some friendly fighting and a Hungry Hungry Hippos joke (I have no idea where that came from) and you’ve got a winner.

   “My school of jurisprudence out-oppresses your’s.” Is one of my all-time favorite lines from Life of Poet. It’s so complicated, yet so simple, yet so complicated.

   February 15th, 2008 at 9:46 pm

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